THE DAY AFTER CHRISTMAS by David Frank 'Twas the day after Christmas and all through the house Children sat slack-jawed, bored on the couch. Wrappings and toys littered the floor, An incredible mess that I did abhor. With Mom in her robe and I in my jeans, We waded in to get the place clean. When suddenly the doorbell: it started to clatter, I sprang to the Security-View to check out the matter. The new-fallen snow, now blackened with soot, Was trampled and icy and treacherous to foot. But suddenly in view, did I gasp and pant: An unhappy bill collector and eight tiny accountants. The door flew open and in they came, Stern-looking men with bills in my name. On Discover, on Visa, on American Express, On Mastercard too, I sadly confess, Right to my limits, then beyond my net worth, OUer the top I had charged, in a frenzy of mirth. The black-suited men, so somber, so strict, I wondered why me that they had first picked. They stared at me with a look I couldn't miss, That said "Buddy, when are you for paying for this?" I shrugged my shoulders, but then I grew bolder, Went to the cabinet and pulled out a folder. "As you can see," I said with a smile, "It's bankruptcy that I'll have to file!" And with a swoop of my arm, my middle digit extended I threw the bills in the fire: the matter had ended. The scent of burnt ash came to my nose, As up the chimney my credit-worthiness rose. Without another word they turned and walked out, Got into their limos, but one gave a shout: "You may think that's the answer to all of your fears, But it's nothing you'll charge for at least seven years! davidf@zimmer.CSUFresno.EDU [rec.humor] =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= REPO SANTA LOVES YOU Intro: Tis the season kiddies. YPL wants to introduce you this lovely holiday gift set that's sure to please the kid in all of us! Repo Santa Repossession Service. If you know someone out there that's been naughty, or if you simply know someone who has stuff you want; Repo Santa will make them pay. Now some people out there will say, "Well that's just an awful, hateful thing to do on such a sacred holiday. Christmas season is about giving to others and Jesus and love." Problem: Lets face it guys. Christmas isn't about that. Christmas is a commercial ploy to guilt the consumer into buying stuff. Lots of stuff. Mountains and piles and gobs of useless junk. If you don't give piles of junk to your girlfriend(s) and family you'll become an outcast. You'll be driven out of town and into the woods. You'll, become a hermit, change your name to Spooky, and grow a beard. Who the Hell wants to do that? ~pause~ Nobody. That's who. Solution: So if you want to spend, spend, spend and get on your in-laws good side this Christmas, YPL suggest you buy, buy, buy! Break out your wallets and put that legal tender on the table! Because you need gifts! That's right! Repo Santa is gonna be your number one gift getter this year! He's gonna save you the trouble of going to those busy Shopping Centers and dreadful malls. He'll even take special repossession requests! Can't find that perfect piece of jewelry for mom? No worries! Repo Santa has access to the entire globes merchandise! Bonus: If you take advantage of this once in a lifetime offer this Holiday Season, we'll send you a freebie! Who doesn't like free stuff, eh? You'll be the proud owner of the Repo Santa soundtrack! This fabulous Compact Disc includes a variety of old favorites as well as a number of wonderful new hits!!! Just check it out and see. * All I want for Christmas is My Neighbor's RV * Merchandise from the Realms of Glory * Do You Hear the Credit Collectors? * Here Comes Repo Santa * I Saw Mommy Licking Repo Santa * Robbed for the Holidays * I Saw A Fat Man A' Stealing * Repo the Red-Nosed Alkie Thanks to Repo Santa, I don't have to worry about feeding my 4 screaming kids anymore. He stole them away and gave em to a good home. (Anonymous) Copyright © 1999 YPL Multimedia -- All Rights Reserved http://www.iamlost.com/features/santa/ =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= MONTH AFTER CHRISTMAS A month after Christmas, and God, am I sick so stop with the poems about ol' saint Nick. It's driving stark raving mad day to day that ol' Christmas spirit just won't go away. Please don't subject me to read anymore or picture a gunshot, and me on the floor. I've got an idea to help you keep silent put your stocking in your mouth before I get violent. It seems many others are feeling the same with all of these people removing their names. I suggest you find subjects more new and appealing before the removal rate blows through the ceiling. At last here's a plea to put Christmas away in hopes that I won't get a headache today. sPaNkY sPaTuLa LaD