Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out...

* You're getting old when you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

* Middle age is when work is a lot less fun - and fun a lot more work.

* Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man. Isn't that the damnedest time for a guy to get those odds?
* You know you're getting on in years when the girls at the office start confiding in you.

* Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.

* By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.

* Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends, and have begun to grow in the middle.

* Of course I'm against sin; I'm against anything that I'm too old to enjoy.

* Billy Graham has described heaven as a family reunion that never ends. What could hell possibly be like? Home videos of the same reunion?

* A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead of by the police.

* Middle age is having a choice of two temptations and choosing the one that will get you home earlier.

* You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.

* At my age, "getting a little action" means I don't need to take a laxative.

* Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.

* The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress.

* You're getting old when "getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.

* You're getting old when you're sitting in a rocker, and you can't get it started.

* You're getting old when your wife gives up sex for Lent, and you don't know till the 4th of July.

* You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before.

* The cardiologist's diet: if it tastes good, spit it out.

* Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news - the good news is that you are not a hypochondriac.

* It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.

* You know you're getting old when you stop buying green bananas because it's too risky of an investment.

* Last Will and Testament: Being of sound mind, I spent all my money.

* There are three signs of old age. The first is one's loss of memory, the other two I forget