Funnies


THE MALE STAGES OF LIFE

AGE DRINK
17 beer
25 bourbon
35 vodka
48 double vodka
66 Maalox

AGE SEDUCTION LINE
17 My parents are away for the weekend.
25 My girlfriend is away for the weekend.
35 My fiancee is away for the weekend.
48 My wife is away for the weekend.
66 My second wife is dead.

AGE FAVORITE SPORT
17 sex
25 sex
35 sex
48 sex
66 napping

AGE DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
17 "tongue"
25 "breakfast"
35 "She didn't set back my therapy."
48 "I didn't have to meet her kids."
66 "Got home alive."

AGE FAVORITE FANTASY
17 getting to third
25 airplane sex
35 menage a trois
48 taking the company public
66 getting an erection

AGE WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?
17 25
25 35
35 48
48 66
66 17

AGE IDEAL DATE
17 Triple Stephen King feature at a drive-in
25 "Split the check before we go back to my place"
35 "Just come over."
48 "Just come over and cook."
66 Sex in the company jet on the way to Vegas.

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THE FEMALE STAGES OF LIFE

AGE DRINK
17 Wine Coolers
25 White wine
35 Red wine
48 Dom Perignon
66 Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaser

AGE EXCUSES FOR REFUSING DATES
17 Need to wash my hair
25 Need to wash and condition my hair
35 Need to color my hair
48 Need to have Francis color my hair
66 Need to have Francis color my wig

AGE FAVORITE SPORT
17 shopping
25 shopping
35 shopping
48 shopping
66 shopping

AGE DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
17 "Burger King"
25 "Free meal"
35 "A diamond"
48 "A bigger diamond"
66 "Home Alone"

AGE FAVORITE FANTASY
17 tall, dark and handsome
25 tall, dark and handsome with money
35 tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain
48 a man with hair
66 a man

AGE WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?
17 17
25 25
35 35
48 48
66 66

AGE IDEAL DATE
17 He offers to pay
25 He pays
35 He cooks breakfast the next morning
48 He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids
66 He can chew breakfast


AGING
Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get
old

is when we're kids?

If you're less than ten years old, you're so excited about aging
that

you think in fractions.

"How old are you?" "I'm four and a half."

You're never 36 and a half....you're four and a half going on 5.

You get into your teens; now they can't hold you back. You jump to
the next number. "How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16." You could
be 12, but you're gonna be 16. Eventually.

Then the great day of your life; you become 21. Even the words
sound like a ceremony. You BECOME 21....Yes!!!!!

Then you turn 30. What happened there? Makes you sound like bad
milk. He TURNED; we had to throw him out. What's wrong? What
changed? You BECOME 21; you TURN 30.

Then you're PUSHING 40....stay over there. You REACH 50.

You BECOME 21; you TURN 30; You're PUSHING 40; you REACH
50; then you MAKE IT to 60.

By then you've built up so much speed, you HIT 70. After that, it's
a

day by day thing. You HIT Wednesday...

You get into your 80's; you HIT lunch, you HIT 4:30. My
Grandmother won't even buy green bananas. "Well, it's an
investment, you know, and maybe a bad one."

And it doesn't end there....

Into the 90's, you start going backwards. "I was JUST 92."

Then a strange thing happens; if you make it over 100, you become
a little kid again. "I'm 100 and a half."

Happy aging!